Building Your Emotional Intelligence Right Now
Discover the surprising power of a leader's words. Many leaders unintentionally create confusion or impact morale due to the inherent weight of their position. This episode reveals why your casual comments can become mandates and how your opinions are interpreted as directives. Learn to communicate with precision and awareness to avoid misinterpretations and build trust.
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Triggered to Transformed: Building Emotional Intelligence
Have you ever found yourself in a moment where a simple comment or situation ignited an unexpected reaction? That feeling of being "triggered" is a common human experience, but understanding and navigating these emotional surges is where true growth begins. This journey from reactive to responsive is at the heart of emotional intelligence, a crucial skill that transforms how we interact with the world and ourselves.
At Revela, we believe that developing strong emotional intelligence is a fundamental skill, essential for fostering thriving workplaces and cultivating meaningful relationships. We see it as the pathway to genuine emotional regulation and truly effective communication. On a recent episode of our Leadership Hustle podcast, our hosts Andrea Fredrickson and Michelle Hill discussed this topic and offered actionable guidance for building these critical aspects of emotional intelligence.
Deconstructing Emotional Intelligence
The term “emotional intelligence" is widely used in leadership and personal development, yet its true meaning is often misunderstood. As Fredrickson noted, “I think that because we're using the word a lot more, it's become a buzzword. And I don't think people really understand what it is and what it means.”
Hill echoed this, emphasizing the need to clarify specific goals when discussing emotional intelligence: “What are you looking for? What are you wanting to accomplish?” Many combine it into the category of simply "being nice" or suppressing feelings, which overlooks key aspects like self-awareness and emotional regulation.
Confusion often arises from mixing emotional intelligence with concepts like psychological safety. While strong emotional intelligence certainly contributes to a psychologically safe environment, they are different.
What Exactly is Emotional Intelligence?
Beyond common misconceptions, emotional intelligence is a powerful concept built on clear, definable skills. At Revela, we use Daniel Goleman’s framework for emotional intelligence, which consists of two core areas.
Self-Awareness and Self-Regulation
The first component involves deep self-awareness: understanding your triggers, emotions, and underlying assumptions. Hill described it as “...developing knowing more about myself. What are my triggers? How do I feel about this? What's the story behind it?” This introspection clarifies your internal world, which is foundational for emotional regulation.
Then comes self-regulation: managing reactions to align with intentions. It’s about pausing before impulsive responses, allowing you to choose how to show up. This conscious control is key to true emotional regulation.
Other Awareness and Relationship Management
The second component of emotional intelligence shifts focus outward: recognizing and understanding others. This means observing their behavioral awareness through subtle changes in expressions or reactions. Fredrickson explained these changes as: “Reaction changes. Facial expression changes. The little vein in somebody's head popped out.”
Other awareness is about curiosity, not assumptions. Instead of judging, we seek to understand. By remaining calm and asking thoughtful questions, we build trust and psychological safety. This empathy leads to more effective communication and relationship management.
Unpacking Myths about Emotional Intelligence
It's essential to challenge some pervasive myths that come along with emotional intelligence to completely understand it. These common misconceptions can hinder our ability to develop genuine self-awareness and achieve effective emotional regulation.
Myth 1: Emotional Intelligence is About Controlling Emotions
A common myth is that emotional intelligence means suppressing feelings. Hill clarified this by explaining that while our first thoughts and impulses might be automatic, we can manage our subsequent thoughts and actions. Our emotions are deeply connected to these thoughts. This highlights the essence of emotional regulation: it's about managing your response, not the initial feeling itself.
Emotional intelligence isn't about denying emotions. Instead, it's about behavioral awareness—understanding how we act when emotions arise. Fredrickson explained that it's simply about recognizing our behavior in the moment; it's not about stopping feelings like anger or frustration, but knowing when an emotion has been triggered.
Emotions provide valuable data, signaling internal shifts. As Hill explained, emotions offer us more information, which helps us achieve better emotional regulation.
Myth 2: Emotional Intelligence is About Being "Nice"
Another misconception is that emotional intelligence means simply "being nice." Fredrickson firmly stated, “No. Emotional intelligence is not about being nice.” Hill added, “It's not about tiptoeing around things.”
Emotional intelligence empowers individuals to engage in respectful and effective communication, even in difficult conversations. It enables accountability and direct feedback while maintaining a foundation of respect.
This respect builds psychological safety. Hill explained: “It's about being respectful. And what is that best approach where ultimately people feel safe?...The more self-awareness, that greater awareness we have, it helps us create a safer space for people.”
Myth 3: Emotional Intelligence is an Innate Trait
Many believe emotional intelligence is inherent. However, emotional intelligence is a learned skill that improves over time.
Fredrickson acknowledged, “There are people that struggle with emotional intelligence...it's like everything. The spectrum.”. Like any skill, emotional intelligence can be refined. The key is awareness—recognizing its relevance and learning how to cultivate it. Even those who significantly struggle can learn to recognize emotional patterns and develop constructive responses through deliberate self-regulation.
The Impact and Importance of Emotional Intelligence
Seeing the value of emotional intelligence means looking at how it actually shapes our lives. It's a key piece for both our personal lives and relationships.
Personal and Professional Success
Emotional intelligence is a critical driver of success. Fredrickson stated, “...greater than 50% of someone's success in business is tied to someone's ability to be aware of their behaviors and regulate based upon the circumstances.” This behavioral awareness and emotional regulation extends beyond individual performance, influencing daily interactions, workplace culture, and organizational effectiveness.
Hill emphasized its comprehensive influence saying, “It has a huge impact on how they show up every day, and it has a huge impact on how others feel about working...It has a huge impact on your culture...on whether people feel safe or not.” High emotional intelligence fosters secure environments, boosting productivity and engagement, which reinforces psychological safety.
Enhanced Relationships
Emotional intelligence is fundamental to healthy relationships, both professional and personal. It facilitates effective communication and deeper understanding. By enabling individuals to manage their own emotions (via self-regulation and emotional regulation) and empathize, it fosters a safer environment where people speak up. When people feel understood, relationships flourish.
Practical Steps to Cultivate Emotional Intelligence
Emotional intelligence is a skill you can actively develop. There are a few steps you can take to move from triggered to transformed, enhancing emotional regulation and interpersonal skills.
Recognize Your Triggers
Cultivating self-awareness begins by identifying what causes strong emotional reactions. So, you should inventory feelings after interactions (emails, meetings, etc.). Hill stressed pausing when triggered: “An email, if I'm triggered and frustrated. Oh let's pause...If I continue typing, I may respond in a way that's not effective.” This pause provides crucial space for self-regulation and behavioral awareness.
Practice Self-Reflection and Journaling
To deepen self-awareness and improve self-regulation, regular reflection is vital. Hill suggested trying to recognize your triggers and journaling to help yourself understand them. Brief reflections after specific events are effective. Ask: "How did I feel?" or "Were my intentions delivered?" This clarifies default behaviors and their impact.
Observe Others' Micro-Behaviors
Beyond self-awareness, hone your ability to read subtle non-verbal cues. Fredrickson encouraged: “...start getting good at watching people's micro behaviors. So is there an extra pause? [Are they] looking down...or up?” Remember different behaviors have multiple interpretations.
Hill shared an example of a quick upward glance misinterpreted as eye-rolling, highlighting how easily micro-behaviors are misread. This observation skill fosters empathy, enhances effective communication, and boosts overall emotional intelligence.
Seek and Embrace Feedback
To understand your impact and improve emotional intelligence, you need to actively seek feedback. This requires vulnerability but offers invaluable insight. At Revela, we encourage shared language to create a safe space for criticism, reinforcing psychological safety.
Emotional Intelligence as a Transformative Skill
Emotional intelligence is a pivotal skill, extending far beyond a mere buzzword. It’s about cultivating deep self-awareness to recognize our triggers and practicing self-regulation for effective responses. This understanding, combined with behavioral awareness of others, empowers us to build strong relationships and promote psychological safety through effective communication. Ultimately, mastering these aspects of emotional intelligence is crucial for both personal well-being and professional success.
At Revela, we firmly believe that this journey of building emotional intelligence is essential for anyone looking to navigate challenges and achieve authentic growth. If you’re looking for more ways to keep your workplace thriving, be sure to listen to the rest of our Leadership Hustle podcast!
About the Hosts
Andrea Fredrickson
Andrea Fredrickson is a thought leader and consultant at Revela, an organization based in Omaha, Nebraska specializing in the development of leaders, culture alignment, and business strategy for private and family businesses of all sizes. Revela is one of the region's most experienced thought challengers, helping individuals and companies find their greatness. Andrea has built an amazing team by believing that fundamentally people want to be successful and become better versions of themselves.
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Andrea has degrees in education, management, and business. She is the author of Insight Unseen; How to lead with 20/20 business vision. She helps people see things differently, self-reflect, and never stop looking for ways to improve themselves on a personal and professional level. Andrea has spent more than 30 years researching and developing methods to help people communicate and lead more effectively.
When Andrea isn’t working with clients, you’ll find her spending time with her family & friends and making memories by exploring new cities.
Michelle Hill
Michelle Hill is a master facilitator and coach at Revela, an organization specializing in the development of leaders and aligning the culture of privately held and family businesses of all sizes. Revela is one of the region's most experienced thought challengers, helping individuals and companies find their greatness.
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An ambitious leader, Michelle has the natural ability to create forward momentum to build teams and get results. She inspires others to look within themselves and to challenge the status quo. She helps create high-performing environments. Michelle brings a diverse background: operations, employee development, and sales in the steel, hospitality, and consulting industries.
Outside of work, you will see her competitive side engaged in her daughter’s sports and ISU athletics. She loves life, her four-legged companions, and captures all the moments through her camera’s lens.
TRANSCRIPT
Andrea Frederickson: Welcome back to the leadership Hustle. I'm Andrea Frederickson, and today.
Michelle Hill: Michel Hill.
Andrea Frederickson: We're co-hosting, uh, the Leadership Hustle today. And our topic today is about emotional intelligence. Uh, there's a lot of buzzwords. There's the. It's become a big buzzword. I mean, I remember in the 80s when the whole idea of emotional intelligence became something, and that was obviously decades and decades ago. But I think that because we're using the word a lot more, it's become a buzzword. And I don't think people really understand what it is and and what it means. Are you hearing something like, I mean, are you hearing that?